Episode Transcript
[00:00:05] Good morning.
[00:00:06] Good morning. I'm so excited to open up God's word with you. My name is Michael Fueling. I'm the lead pastor here at the village church. And I don't know who said this, but somebody once said, I am not a Christian because I am good.
[00:00:22] I'm a Christian because I am a sinner. Amen. Like, I'm not a Christian because I'm a moral guy. I'm not a Christian because I'm better than that other person. I am a Christian because I am spiritually sick. I am unhealthy. I am spiritually dead. And I need a savior who loves me and can actually lift me out of the pit of darkness and my own sin and my own depravity. There's this notion that people have that, like, good people are Christians. Oh, no. Sinners come to Jesus who need forgiveness and restoration and transformation. Now, there are some versions of Christianity that will teach you that once you become a Christian, you should expect that you can become completely sinless.
[00:01:09] And if you by chance, as a Christian, act in a sinful way, in that moment, you lose your salvation, and you can only get your salvation back through repentance. And I had the joy to live an entire semester with a young man who believed this doctrine to the core of his being. He has since passed, but he was a very kind guy, and I appreciated him, but he had the firm conviction he was without sin.
[00:01:46] And as roommates do, we had to have a couple, like, challenging conversations where maybe there are some things that I'm like, hey, I think some stuff should shift, or I don't think this is right. And he had some conversations with me. That's life, living with people. But one of the things that I learned is that he did not have the capacity to be wrong, because to be wrong, to have a wrong thought, to be inconsiderate, would be considered sin. And so he doesn't sin. And so I learned, by the way, after a little while, never, ever confront him because it's useless, never imply that his theology was off, because to have bad theology would be sin, which would mean he's not saved. And these are the kinds of conversations, by the way, we would have never challenge him on his interpretation of attacks. Actually, what I wanted to do so badly, and I tried and failed a couple times and learned don't do it anymore, is I wanted to just open up scripture and say, I think actually this doctrine of the sinlessness of a Christian is actually getting in your way of following Jesus and becoming more and more like him. I learned, never ever let him know ways that he can be a better roommate. This bad theology made it almost impossible to have a productive conversation about his growth. Now, bad theology can make you, I'm going to make up a word, unconfrontable.
[00:03:07] But can we be honest?
[00:03:09] There are a lot of people with good theology that are unconfrontable. Do not kick anybody. Seat next to you. Don't pick up your phone and be like he's talking to you.
[00:03:20] There are plenty of really great people with wonderful theology who think rightly and they are unconfrontable. Now, there are a whole bunch of reasons for this general spirit of defensiveness. Here's just quickly, five key catalysts. For some people, it is bad theology. For some people, they have a past pain point where maybe somebody had a hard conversation with them and it was pretty traumatic, and so they don't ever want to feel that pain again. For some people, it's a lack of trust with the person confronting you. And so you're like, I don't trust you. And so I don't really want to hear anything you have to say. For some people, it is just a spirit of pride. You can't tell them anything they don't want to hear. For some people, it's a fear of the consequences or the implications. Like, if this is true, it's gonna have huge demands on my life and I'm gonna have to make some changes.
[00:04:14] I want you to hear me when I say this. How you have responded to hard feedback in the past will determine the quality of your friendships.
[00:04:27] How you have responded to hard feedback in the past will determine the quality of your reputation.
[00:04:35] How you have responded to hard feedback in the past will determine the quality of information you get in the future.
[00:04:43] And how you have responded to hard conversations in the past very well likely could impact the kind of future the Lord lets you have or the kind of ministry the Lord lets you have in the future. So welcome to week two of our three week series called hinge points. I want to define this. A hinge point is a critical moment of decision to fork in the road that determines the trajectory of our future. So this morning I want to train us on the inevitable hinge point of hinge point confrontations. Can you raise your hand if anybody's ever said something difficult, challenging hard to you in your life? Anybody? Okay, so before first service, I was talking to a high school girl, and I looked at her and I don't remember the quote, but the basic idea was, I said, I wish when I was at your age, somebody would have had. I would have given me this message so that I could be prepared for what all of us in this room have experienced, which is multiple people throughout the course of our lives having to sit down or wanting to sit down to have a hard conversation about x, Y or Z. And I gotta tell you, like, I have a lot of personal regrets about how I have received hard conversations. I wish I could go back because it impacted friendships, it impacted reputation, it impacted so much. And there were times that I didn't get to hear what God had for me in a moment because I was too defensive. Am I the only one in here? Can I get an amen from somebody who, like, maybe resonates with that sentiment? One person, I love you. I feel you.
[00:06:17] There are moments when unexpectedly, you find yourself in the receiving end of, quote, feedback or hard words or criticism or confrontation.
[00:06:31] Now, this is not a message on how to give hard feedback. That is a whole different sermon, right? This is a message on how we, in these moments, respond to the hard feedback that somebody might want to give us, or the hard words or the criticism or the confrontation. And in the moment of hard feedback, there is an immediate decision that we have to make. Because most of you didn't wake up today thinking, oh, this person wants to sit down with me and tell me something really challenging. So in the moment, you have one of two decisions that you're going to make. Number one is I'm going to open my heart to what they have to say.
[00:07:10] Number two is I'm going to protect myself.
[00:07:13] And, guys, sometimes we do need to protect ourselves, don't we? There are some people who mean you ill, and you have to know that. But the vast majority of people in your life who are gonna sit down with you and have a hard conversation actually don't mean you ill. In fact, they very well might have something worthy of listening to and considering, because maybe, maybe I know it's gonna blow your mind. Maybe we're all sinners and we're all not perfectly like Jesus, and so maybe God still has more work in our hearts. Now, some of you, you might be thinking, this is a strange subject to preach on.
[00:07:53] Thankfully, I don't feel like I have to have any hard conversations in my life right now. So I'm not preaching to anybody, but this is explicitly a biblical subject. Now, I want to read to you a whole bunch of passages to kind of get you into the framework of why this is so important, other than the fact that past, in the last four years, the amount of people who have expressed how many hard conversations they've had to have and how much regret that people have over these hard conversations. I've just never seen more hard conversations happen in a shorter period of time than I have post Covid. But I want to read to you a whole bunch of passages, and they're all from one book of the Bible, the book of proverbs. You guys ready? Buckle up. Here we go. All right. Proverbs nine do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you. Reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Proverbs 1017 whoever heeds instruction is on the path to life, but he who rejects reproof. Could we call reproof like a hard conversation? Whoever rejects reproof leads others astray. Proverbs twelve one whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. I didn't say it. The Bible said it. Just to be clear.
[00:09:08] Proverbs 13 one a wise son hears his father's instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke. Proverbs 15 five a fool despises his father's instructions, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.
[00:09:24] Proverbs 1510. There is severe discipline for him who forsakes the way. Whoever hates reproof will die. We're halfway there. Just stick with me. I want you to see and feel the theme. Proverbs 1531 the ear that listens to life giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence. Proverbs 1710. A rebuke goes deeper into the man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool. Proverbs 20 512. Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening earth. Proverbs 27 five better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 28 23 whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue. Proverbs 29 one last one. Don't worry. He who is often reproved yet stiffens his neck will suddenly be broken beyond healing.
[00:10:32] It's almost as if the authors of proverbs are like people stink at receiving feedback, and I'm gonna write about it over and over and over again and over and over and over again. It's almost like he's like, my son. Listen, if you do anything well, in life, receive reproof, receive confrontation, see it as love. Open your heart to it, because there's a lot at stake when we close our hearts to this. Now, if I'm being honest, I would rather stand on the edge of a cliff than give somebody hard feedback.
[00:11:12] I know it's at stake. And if you know me, I hate heights with a holy passion. I do it anyways. I will go near them, I will face them, but I hate them. I would rather stand on the edge of a cliff than have to give somebody hard feedback. Because I know that if their heart isn't open in that moment, the friendship is on the line. I know that reputation is on the line. I know what's on the line in those moments. And I want to be, and I know you do too. I want to be somebody when there is reproof from the lord. I want to be open and I have an open heart. And some of you are like, michael, I don't want to hear this message. I'm done. Can I walk out? Benefit of the doubt again. You just have to go to the bathroom. So two Samuel, chapter eleven. Turn with me there. Go to the end of the chapter, verse 27. Before we get there, I need to kind of set up the context.
[00:11:59] King David, familiar story. Slept with a married woman and her name is Bathsheba. And the text almost explicitly communicates that it was forced. It's almost certainly rape.
[00:12:13] So the woman Bathsheba, isn't just any random girl to King David. And I want you to understand how David knows Bathsheba. Bathsheba is the granddaughter of one of his close friends and advisors, a guy named Ahithophel. And so David knew Bathsheba as Ahithophel's grandfather. Ahithophel had access into the court of David, but not just that. Bathsheba is also the daughter of one of his greatest generals named Eliam. And Eliam wasn't actually just one of the greatest generals. Eliam was so strong, so courageous, so fierce that he was put into an elite israeli squad designated to protect the king and country called David's mighty men.
[00:13:01] But Bathsheba wasn't just the granddaughter of Ahithophel, wasn't just the daughter of one of his mighty men. Eliam was also the wife of a guy named Uriah, who also was one of David's mighty men.
[00:13:13] So this wasn't some strange, unknown woman. She wasn't an acquaintance, she wasn't a prostitute. In fact, there's a reason David could see her, because the generals all lived in the proximity of where the king lived. He knew her. Now this was personal and it was betrayal on the deepest levels.
[00:13:36] So then genius, David decides, I'll cover it up by having Uriah, the husband to Bathsheba, killed on the front lines of battle. By the way, we call this murder. Okay?
[00:13:50] Would you guess in the days after he heard about Uriah's death that David's heart was tender and open to rebuke? Or maybe a little bit closed? I'm gonna guess probably a little bit closed and hard hearted. Then we get to two Samuel, chapter eleven, verse 27. And I'll be honest, the way the text words this is, it's almost eerie.
[00:14:14] It says, but the thing. Do you mean the rape, betrayal, hiding and murder of this guy, the betrayal of all your friends? The thing, it's just so like, the thing. But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord. Is that the understatement of the century? Guys. The thing displeased the Lord. This is like driving 125 miles an hour in a residential zone with children playing all over right past the cop thinking, well, I mean, he won't care. No, if you do that, that cop is going to put on his lights and he's going to come get you. And you deserve it. Here's kind of what the text wants the reader to ask themselves.
[00:14:52] If I put God in a position where God has to now hunt me down and humble me, enter the prophet Nathan in two Samuel, chapter twelve, verse one.
[00:15:03] It just says, the Lord sent Nathan to David. I want to draw your attention to really two critical details. We have to slow down because the beauty is in the nuance of this text.
[00:15:15] Who sent Nathan?
[00:15:18] The Lord. But I want you to catch this.
[00:15:22] The Lord didn't send Nathan right away.
[00:15:26] Best we can figure, soonest the Lord sent Nathan was nine months, probably more likely around a year.
[00:15:35] Why did the Lord wait so long to confront David?
[00:15:43] If you were Ahithophel, Bathsheba's grandpa, would you have been upset?
[00:15:50] You better believe it. Do you think that Ahithophel has been on his face begging God to take vengeance against David from the day he heard about it? I bet he has.
[00:16:01] Why didn't Eliam say something that she was dad like, why is he quiet? But do you think every, every day he is praying that God would make this thing right with David? He has to go to work and put his life on the line for King David? Do you feel like this is a deeply personal thing to him? And so I don't know. Have you ever prayed for something month after month after month after month. And you're like, why? Why doesn't God do something?
[00:16:30] Why not Bathsheba?
[00:16:33] I mean, there's a debate who lost more, Bathsheba or Uriah? I mean, this is just devastating all across the board. And yet God didn't ask Bathsheba to be the one to rise up and address this. Why do you surmise God sent a guy named Nathan, not even involved in the circumstances?
[00:16:49] The harder a heart, the less willing it is to receive correction from family and friends. Do you guys know this?
[00:16:57] The harder a heart, the less willing it is to receive correction from family and friends.
[00:17:03] And so sometimes those that are most directly involved have no access to your heart. And so the Lord doesn't say to you, go deal with that thing. In fact, raises somebody else to go deal with it. It takes great wisdom and patience to know, is this my battle or is this someone else's? I want you to draw attention to a second critical detail in the verse of the Lord is taking the initiative toward David by sending Nathan. Let me just apply this.
[00:17:29] Sometimes the person who says the right thing, but maybe even in the wrong way, was sent by God himself because he loves you.
[00:17:42] I don't know a single person who is really, really pumped up. I can't wait to say hard things to people and upset them. I'm sure they're out there.
[00:17:52] And the vast majority of people have not been trained on how to effectively deliver hard, critical feedback in such a way that the heart is softened to have the best chances for transformation.
[00:18:06] The majority of us have no idea what we're doing when we sit down with somebody to try to have a hard conversation.
[00:18:14] And yet one of the things that we often do is we're like, I didn't like the way they said it, so I don't have to listen to them.
[00:18:19] Nobody knows how to say things perfectly. None of us are Jesus. So anytime someone's gonna sit down with you and they're gonna have a hard conversation, I guarantee you they're not gonna do it perfectly. They might be nervous. Their brain might be spinning. They might say something wrong. They might make it personal. But, like, that is not an excuse. What if. What if the Lord allowed or sent this person to you because he loves you?
[00:18:47] Okay, so if you were a man of God, if you were Nathan and your spiritual leader raped, impregnated, and then murdered a friend to cover it up, what emotions would you be feeling?
[00:18:59] Is anger a good one? Maybe rage. Anybody else?
[00:19:04] I wanna be clear about one little detail. Everybody knew what David did. We don't know if David thought it was hidden, but, like, everybody was well aware what he did. And Nathan, the guy who's going to confront David, he's aware of a few things. He's aware of what David did.
[00:19:19] He is aware of the state of David's heart, which is closed.
[00:19:24] He is aware that God has told him, yay, I get to do it. Go confront David. Nathan is aware that this could go very, very badly for himself.
[00:19:36] And what's so striking and so consistent with the Lord is the Lord tells Nathan what to do, but he doesn't tell him how to do it. Have you ever known you have to do something, but you don't know how to do it, when to do it, where to do it, but you just know you got to do the thing. And I love this. The Lord is like, oh, I'm going to put on your heart what to do. Now you need to go get the wisdom from my word and from other people in terms of how to go, best implement this thing. Rarely will the Lord tell us how to do things. And so Nathan, knowing David's heart is hard, has to very creatively, very intentionally, very prayerfully think about what is the absolute best way that I can approach this powerful man when there are one of two options in this confrontation. Okay. Option number one is that Nathan confronts him, and this is high probability is that David, seeking to cover up his sin even more, has Nathan put to death. He already did it once, so why not do it again? So, yay. Thank you, yahweh. I get to go be the one to tell the murderer and expose him for murdering. Awesome.
[00:20:38] Possible outcome number two, very low probability. Nathan tells David, confronts him, hard conversation. David repents and then applies the death penalty to himself because under old covenant law, he deserves to be killed.
[00:20:53] So these are Nathan's options. So this is probably in Nathan's mind, he's like, this will be the last conversation I ever have. This is going to be the last words I ever say. Here we go. Verse one continues. Let's watch Nathan's wisdom in action. And you can just see the amount of intentionality and preparation Nathan put into this conversation. He, Nathan came up to him, David, and said to him, there were two men in a certain city, the one rich and the other poor.
[00:21:21] The rich man had very many flocks and herds, but the poor man, he had nothing. And I love the sign. But one little elim, which he had bought, and he brought it up and it grew up with him. And with his children, he used to eat of his morsel and drink from his cup and lie in his arms. By the way, germ theory, all that stuff, we had no idea about any of that.
[00:21:44] And it was like a daughter to him. You need to know, David is hearing this story, and he thinks it's a true story.
[00:21:55] Verse four. Nathan continues. Now, there came a traveler to the rich man, and he was unwilling to take one of his own flock or herd to prepare for the guest who had come to him. But he took the poor man's lamb and prepared it. Understatement for the man who had come to him.
[00:22:15] David does not know that this story is about him yet, but I. Let me just break down the characters for you. The rich man is David.
[00:22:23] The poor man is Uriah, the guy David had killed. The little ulam is Bathsheba, Uriah's sole, young, innocent, pure wife.
[00:22:33] The many flocks. This is interesting because later in the chapter, it communicates that the many flocks are David's harem. So David had all of Saul's wives, plus his own. And God's like, literally, you have all these women. Why this one? She's not yours.
[00:22:50] And then we get the traveler, and there's a little bit of debate on who the traveler is because David is already the rich man. And so there's kind of like two major interpretations of the traveler, and I actually think they're both right. The first is that the traveler is also David. Maybe Nathan's trying to confuse him so he doesn't think the story is about him. But I think the second one is also right, that the traveler is sin and David's life. And the traveler comes in from out of town, and before you know it, the traveler is staying in David's home. And now David is compromising for the sake of the sin that he has now brought into his home.
[00:23:24] Verse five. This is so great.
[00:23:28] Then David's anger was greatly kindled against the man, the rich man. And he said to Nathan, as the lord lives, the man who has done this deserves to die.
[00:23:43] Amen.
[00:23:44] Amen. And he's not done. I mean, Nathan, I just want to see this play in heaven. I want to see what Nathan's face is doing right here. That's what I want to see.
[00:23:53] And he shall restore the lamb fourfold because he did this thing and because he had no pity. Nathan knew something really powerful about human nature. He knew that our sin is almost always more clearly seen in others than in ourselves.
[00:24:12] Have you ever noticed how gracious we are with ourselves. But when somebody else does something that we struggle with, we're like, ugh, disgusting. How could they?
[00:24:21] And this is a little tactic, right? But, like, we see, we get so angry at the very things we struggle with when we watch them. And someone else, I want to just say this. I think I represent everybody in this room, and if I don't, well, just don't tell me when I pray this prayer. I think you would agree, God, may you never, never have to have somebody have such creativity, intentionality, and preparation. May my heart never be so hard that somebody has to spend this much time planning and preparing to tell me something hard about myself.
[00:25:01] I mean, the way Nathan went about this shows you what Nathan understood to be the heart of David.
[00:25:08] And Nathan was so wise, but not a sermon on how to give heart feedback.
[00:25:13] Verse seven is where the real risk for Nathan is. So it's time to say the very hard truth of the matter. David is angry. Who would do this? I want him dead. Nathan said to David in verse seven, you are the man. Now, there's an exclamation point in the English. There is no punctuation in the Hebrew Bible, so we actually don't know what's there. The context does imply that this is a very powerful statement. But I don't know if he yelled it.
[00:25:41] I don't know if David, in his rage, if he matches his emotion, and he's like, you're the man, David. Or if he just brought the whole thing down and put his hand on his shoulder and said, david, you're the man, David, it's you.
[00:25:56] The rich man is you.
[00:26:00] You were the man.
[00:26:02] Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel. I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you out of the hand of Saul, and I gave you your master's House and your master's wives into your arms. You have all the women you could ever want. And I gave you the house of Israel and of Judah. And if this were too little, I would add to you as much more. I mean, even just consider the ministry and the privilege and the blessing that David forfeited in this moment. Oof. To be David, like, unexpectedly, out of the blue. It's just a normal day, and now you are in a hinge point confrontation. And there is a lot on the line in these confrontations.
[00:26:40] Verse nine goes on. Why have you despised the word of the Lord? Here's what's interesting is, like, when we get confronted, we're like, just be nice. Just don't do it all at once. Right. And what he does is he's like, no, here is your sin and here's the consequences.
[00:26:56] And this is a big deal. Why have you despised the word of the Lord? To do what is evil in his sight. And you can almost hear David's thoughts. Does he know what I did? I don't know. Maybe he doesn't know. Only confess to what you know that they know. Right.
[00:27:10] You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and have taken his wife to be your wife and have killed him with the sword of the ammonites. Oh, he knows, all right.
[00:27:19] If David was defensive, here's what he might have said.
[00:27:26] How dare you?
[00:27:30] Do you know who I am? I am the anointed one. I am the chosen king of the nation of Israel. God put me here. Who do you think you are?
[00:27:41] Is that an open heart or a defensive heart? Go defensive. Here's another option.
[00:27:46] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I would never.
[00:27:50] I would never despise the word of the Lord.
[00:27:53] What do you call what you did to Bathsheba? Despise the. I would never do that. Or here's one.
[00:28:00] Who are you to confront me when you're a sinner too?
[00:28:06] You know what? Like, you come to me and let me tell you about all the problems in your life and you have the audacity to sit down and tell me the problems in my life?
[00:28:16] Okay. Have any of us ever done any of these in our entire life?
[00:28:21] Maybe.
[00:28:23] Thankfully, David followed the path of humility.
[00:28:27] I do not want to imagine what the path would have been if he was defensive and belligerent.
[00:28:34] Verse 13. David said to Nathan, I have sinned against the Lord.
[00:28:42] And this phrasing has bothered some people.
[00:28:46] It's strange, because on the surface, David's sin was first against BathSHeba and then it was against URiah. And then it was against all the mighty men that he had betrayed the ranks of this military team. And we can go on and on and on. Can you think of all the people that David sinned against in this process? A lot.
[00:29:08] But David understands something very, very deep.
[00:29:12] Let's speak of UriAh. Before Uriah was Bathsheba's husband, before Uriah was a mighty man, before Uriah was a grandson.
[00:29:20] UrIAh was a beloved son of God designed by God and made in God's image before it was personal to anyone else. This was in a personal assault against God.
[00:29:36] And DAVid understood that first and foremost, above all other infractions, this was your creation. Your son, the man you designed. I did this God against you.
[00:29:51] In verse 13, Nathan says to David, the Lord has also put away your sin. You shall note, I die. This is all 100% grace and mercy. David did not deserve this. He should have been killed. And for the rest of David's life, he will be a man filled with unbelievable gratitude because God spared him. We can only imagine the discipline God would have had to invoke should David been defensive, hard hearted.
[00:30:23] All right, I want to share with you three, so let's. Here's the first sinners. Wait. That's everybody in the room.
[00:30:31] Let us embrace the eternal wisdom of the book of proverbs. I want to share with you just four quick gold nuggets from proverbs on how to receive hard feedback. Number one, discern those who don't love you.
[00:30:48] There will be people who will say hard things to you, and they don't love you. They don't like you. They don't want the best for you. Sometimes they're transferring their own stuff to you. Sometimes you're a threat. That happens. Proverbs 27 five. Better is an open rebuke than hidden love. And this is the line, faithful are the wounds of a friend. Profuses are the kisses of an enemy. And so in moments like, there's just an immediate thing, like, do they love me? But I want you to hear this also. Even if they don't love you, there still might be truth to. To what they're saying. Right. I don't want to dismiss what God might have for me in this simply because the person talking to me doesn't love me.
[00:31:29] Number two, overcome dismissal through imperfect delivery. Here's our temptation. We're going to find any reason we can with the person who said it the way they said it, when they said it, where they said it. I don't have to listen to you because your delivery wasn't impeccable.
[00:31:45] Proverbs 1531. The ear that listens to life giving reproof will dwell among the wise. But what if. What if it doesn't feel life giving? What if it actually feels terrible? What if they're mean and I want to come back to this? We will find every excuse that we can to dismiss hard feedback because of the person who said it, when they said it, how they said it, where they said it, the sin in their own life.
[00:32:11] But what if. What if, in that moment, what if the Lord has something for you there? Number three, appropriately weigh and receive their words in community. Proverbs 1710. A rebuke goes deeper into a man of understanding than a hundred blows into a fool.
[00:32:31] What I love about the man of understanding here is that the man of understanding determines how deep the words go. There are some people, and some things said to me that those words need to go deep into my soul because they are true, because they love me. There are some words that go into my head and I go, I've heard enough. And I don't need to bring them into my soul because they may or not be true. And what I do is always the same. Whenever there is hard feedback, I bring in one or two people that I know love me, who are unafraid of me. I always bring our elders into the meeting or into the discussion, and I just said, here's what was said, what's true. I want to be a man of understanding. So how deep do these words actually need to go? Because when you're the one receiving them, sometimes you don't know how deep they're supposed to go. Some words need to cut you. Some words were intended to cut you, but they don't need to. They just need to be heeded, and that's it.
[00:33:24] And number four, this is weird, but appreciate the experience. I don't have better words for this, but proverbs. Twelve. One says, whoever loves discipline loves knowledge. Who loves discipline? In the first service, one guy was like, I love discipline. Okay, thank you, Dan. There's a few of you who love discipline. The vast majority of us would rather avoid the process of discipline all altogether. But whoever loves discipline loves knowledge. But he who hates reproof is stupid.
[00:33:53] Listen, when the discipline is done, the man of God, the woman of God, the man of understanding, looks back and says, I'd go through that again because of what came out of that.
[00:34:05] I'm not the same as who I was because I went for that. I'm more like Christ. And God, whether you ordained that or allowed it, I actually can look back and say, that was really good for me.
[00:34:15] So, number two, when God allows her sons of Nathan, it is just always to make us more like Jesus.
[00:34:24] And can I just add, we all need nathans in our life to tell us the truth.
[00:34:28] Do you have a Nathan in your life that you kind of, like, pushed away? Let me just tell you, nathans are one of the greatest gifts that you'll ever have. They are fearless, and they will tell you what you need to hear.
[00:34:38] We all need feedback because we don't know what it's like to be on the other end of us. We think we know, but until somebody tells us what it's like to be on the other end of us. We don't. There's this phrase. It's called Eq. Stands for emotional equivalent. And it's a contrast to IQ, which is intellectual equivalency. And so what EQ is very simply, it is a person. If you have a high EQ, you have the ability to self monitor how people are receiving you and then to change your behavior when you realize you're annoying.
[00:35:12] So you sit in a room and you're like, oh, I'm not being received. Well, here's the issue. I'm gonna change, and now I'm gonna move from annoying to blessing. Okay? Some of you are like, Pastor Michael, get a higher EQ. Preach shorter. Some of you like, I'm aware, and I'm choosing to defy you right now.
[00:35:31] No, but I have noticed that people with a high EQ all have something in common.
[00:35:37] They actually ask for feedback. Love feedback. Nobody is born with a high EQ, by the way. You get a high EQ because you listen. You listen to what people say about you. You listen to what it's like to be in your orbit, and then you adjust so that you can bless. And then you test that. People with a high EQ are listening. They're humble. They want to know, what's it like to be my friend? What's it like for me to be at a dinner table with you? What's it like to be in family? And then we monitor, and then we adjust.
[00:36:08] Some of us are living in the dark because we have a history of defensiveness and not humility. Our EQ is actually very low because we are not receptive to letting other people speak very truthfully into our lives. People will intuitively know if I tell them a hard thing, they can't hear it. And then what happens? They stop telling you the truth.
[00:36:31] Some of us, right now, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit might be like, hey, buddy, that's you right now. That's a person, right? That friendship, that thing, like, hey, you might want to go back and say I was really defensive. I'm very sorry. Try to make that right. Now, I want to give you just an easy next step. You might be like, I don't know if I have a high EQ. I don't know what it's like or EQ. I don't know what it's like to be in the receiving end of me, the other side of me. And so I want to share with you a practice that my wife and I have implemented in. Into our lives. I don't have a great name for the practice, so I'll describe it.
[00:37:10] And so in 2020, it was like a pretty easy year. Everybody feel that way, no big deal, nothing.
[00:37:17] So 2020, I mean, just, it had been. There's a lot going on. So my family and I, we went on a sabbatical, which is like an extended time of spiritual renewal, focus, etcetera. And so we took a five week road trip, and while we were gone, we were just working through a lot of stuff. And so we had been kind of going really hard for a while, and so we just kind of need to stop. And we hadn't asked in a while, what is it like to be in the other end of us? And so my wife, she wrote an email, a letter, and I want to read you a portion of it. And she wrote it and she sent it to a whole bunch of people in her life. And the goal of this was to ask for feedback before somebody actually has to sit down with you and say, hey, I'm upset. Here's the problem. Or to kind of get her head around, what is it just like to be on the other side of me. So here's, like, the last portion of the letter that she wrote. She says, so you gotta remember, we're on the road, we're traveling. We're not gonna be home for probably over a month at this time, she says. So I've been able to take in two books. One is dangerous calling by Paul Tripp. The second is rhythms of renewal by Rebecca Lyons. And I'm working on a third, emotionally healthy leader playing out these great books. I would love to invite you into this season of self examination with me.
[00:38:37] I wish all this could be in conversations, maybe round a fire, but this is not the option right now. But I still need your insight. Paul Tripp talks again and again of change being a community project. Amen on that one.
[00:38:51] So my hope from you is this.
[00:38:54] Will you consider engaging with me on these following questions? You have every freedom to skip anything and add anything. My greatest ask is that you do this in love and are brutally honest. Here are the questions. What do I need to release? Action, inaction, thoughts? What do I need to stop doing?
[00:39:15] What do I need to reset?
[00:39:18] What are my greatest spiritual needs?
[00:39:21] How is my heart hardened or unbelieving? From Hebrews three, how do you see pride show up in my life?
[00:39:30] If we were to imagine there was a life longing to be lived in me, ordained by God, what does that life for me look like?
[00:39:37] What parts of my heart are inauthentic? Or disconnected and separated.
[00:39:42] What is one way you would love to see me grow in my love for Michael? Thank you so very much, Preston and Brian Villa.
[00:39:48] Guys, let me just tell you the responses that came in. I didn't read them right, but she was just so, so affirmed and felt loved. Because this opportunity for friends who love you to say encouraging things or hard things, but how many of you want to know what everybody in your life really thinks about you?
[00:40:06] There is power in this. And what it also enables is the more you can go to people and say, hey, could you give me some insight? How did I do there? Did I respond well to that? Do you see a humble spirit in me? What it tells people is you're safe to be told hard things. And what I want, and I think you want this too, is I want to be somebody where somebody doesn't have to come up with a whole story about a rich man and a traveler just to soften my heart, just to get me to the point where I might respond, I just don't want to be that person and I don't think we need to be. Lastly, so at number three, have you, how have you received God's personal confrontation of your sin? What I just so appreciate is that God has confronted every human being alive with their personal sin. He does it in one of four ways, sometimes all four. He does it with your conscience. Whether you've heard the gospel or read the Bible, your conscience is from God and it testifies against our sin.
[00:41:01] He does it through the Holy Spirit who convicts us. He does it through his word. He does it through other people. And here's what I know. Every human being alive has been confronted personally by God. And generally speaking, when you understand that the God of the universe believes that I am a sinner and my sin is grievous and has separated me from him. We have one of two responses, and the first one is offense. How dare you? How dare you tell me that I'm a sinner?
[00:41:29] God, I guess I could tell you you're a sinner.
[00:41:32] The other option is humility.
[00:41:35] How could I?
[00:41:37] How could I have done that? Will you forgive me? And what I love is that the scriptures teach anybody who believes in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus and tells God, I'm sorry, will you forgive me? You were forgiven.
[00:41:50] You are restored to relationship and you were redeemed. Guys, that is awesome news. Yeah, it stinks to be told that you're a sinner. But is it true? Yes. And I just want to ask you personally, have you received with humility God's confrontation of your own sinfulness. Have you told him you are right? Because you're always right, and I am sorry. Will you forgive me? I believe in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. And, guys, I just have great news. You can do that today. You can do that here. And if you have never asked him to forgive you, I think today is just a great day. Okay, let's pray together. Father, I want to thank you for such honesty about King David and his failure.
[00:42:35] I want to thank you for psalm 51 that David wrote after this confrontation. Just the humility in his heart, the brokenness that we all get to read.
[00:42:45] I want to thank you for Jesus and the cross. And so, God, we agree with you that we are sinners.
[00:42:52] And, Lord, we reject this idea that we are as perfect as we can be. Lord, we will continually. We continually need to become more like Jesus. So help us. Help us to that end. Would you create in us humble hearts, receptive hearts, that when these hinge point moments come, we can be transformed more and more into the image of Jesus, and we can bring you glory. We love you, and we thank you for this. In Jesus name, amen.
